Tools to Build Your Resilience: 5) Community that Supports You!

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When life gets tough, what gets you through? I bet it’s the people in your life: those you call when you need help, people who celebrate with you—and those who remind you of your best self when you’ve forgotten.

Connection Matters

So. The first and (arguably) most important of Fierce Kindness’ 4Cs is Connection. This includes connection to yourself, others and something greater than yourself.

Without a deep connection to yourself, you don’t know what you want, think and need. It’s much harder to set and achieve goals, make decisions and take care of yourself.

Yet without a deep connection to others, life lacks meaning—and fun. We feel discouraged, isolated (even when in a crowd), empty and alone.

And while it’s true that a deep connection to ourselves makes life beautiful and deeply satisfying, most of us also need a connection to others to be truly happy. And we all need people to lean on in challenging times.

But how does “connection to others” build resilience?

Where Community and Resilience Come Together

First, I’m not talking about civic community building here. I’m talking about building your community: a carefully selected group of people in your life who genuinely know, support and appreciate you.

Resilience is 1) Knowing we have support from others

The first thing we usually do when that crisis hits is reach out to someone for support. But beyond major life difficulties, it’s also important to have people we can confide in, to share our feelings, talk through a problem or brainstorm and work though ideas.

Resilience is also 2) Recharging our batteries with joy and having fun

It’s about more than just sharing the load, it’s also about sharing the joy and pleasures of life.

Spending time with people we like and love is uplifting and energising. Yes, we can enjoy a gorgeous sunset or rainbow alone, but how much more do we enjoy it when we share it with someone we love? And as Brené Brown says:

Joy, collected over time, fuels resilience—ensuring we’ll have reservoirs of emotional strength when hard things do happen.

So your ‘chosen community’ brings together two key aspects of resilience: joy—and support. But are you being intentional about building and nurturing those relationships?

Community That Fuels Belonging

To belong is to know, even in the middle of the night, that I am among friends. Peter Block

There is a term: Social Capital. It says that a community’s wellbeing has everything to do with the quality, aliveness and cohesion of the relationships of its members.

And the same is true for us. Our wellbeing, and a major factor in our resilience, depends on the quality and aliveness of our relationships—our own social capital.

We all deeply want to belong and not just fit in. We all want to be seen and appreciated for who we truly are.

Because in belonging there is safety: we can relax because we know we are not alone.

What Community is NOT

It’s not about quantity (eg. having 1500 Facebook friends)
It’s not about always being available
It’s not about keeping toxic or outdated relationships out of obligation

Remember: You get to be selective about who is in your community—and who is not. Your resilience depends on it!

Modern Life is Destroying the Quality of Our Relationships

These days we have lots of ‘contact’, information and endless opinion—especially online—but do we have true connection?

So many of us don’t feel comfortable or safe when interacting with others—especially ‘in real life’! Yet we do it to ourselves: we text rather than call, we play on social media rather than use that time to connect one-on-one, we browse, shop and exercise online. Sometimes even our groceries arrive without any human contact.

All this online “ease” saves us time, but it’s destroying the quality of our relationships, reducing the opportunities to connect with others and feel like we belong.

We’re simply out of practice connecting with people outside of our screens. We spend far too much of our precious time online with people we barely know, instead of developing depth and meaning with people who matter.

But we can change this—and it starts with being intentional.

So, How Do We Build Our Community?

Well, we can boost our resilience and wellbeing 1) by consciously choosing our community and 2) cultivating and cherishing those relationships (especially in person).

We begin by identifying the people we want (and don’t want) in our community. And then we care for those relationships, learning to allocate our time and energy according to who and what matters most.

But this isn’t something that happens overnight. Nor is it a “one and done” activity.

It takes time to observe, reflect and learn—and then make meaningful changes. Plus we also change over time—as we age and grow in depth and maturity: our needs, priorities and boundaries shift. And finally other people change, they move away and their priorities shift and change.

So building our community is an ongoing project: something we’re always honing and improving.

Is Your Current Community Working For You?

Below are some specific questions to ponder, review and strengthen your chosen community.

Tip: Consider making a list of people and writing notes against each name.
Tip: Think about all areas of your life including work, home, family, friends, hobbies/sports/volunteering/exercise etc.

Questions about Your Current People

Who is currently in your community? Who do you currently invite in?
Are these people you enjoy, have fun with and/or who would support you in times of difficulty?
Who helps you see possibilities? Who inspires you to do or be more? Who supports you as you grow and change?
Who sees the best in you?
Who do you feel comfortable sharing the ‘real’ you with?
Who is always there when you need them? Who cares for and looks out for you?
And who do you care for and look out for?
Who brings you joy? Who do you have fun with?
Who do you feel better about yourself after spending time with?
Who do you feel worse about yourself after spending time with? Who is a drain on your life without adding value?

Evaluating Questions

Do you have enough fun, play and joy in your life?
Do you have enough people you can call on in times of need?
What gaps are there in your community? What relationships are you missing that you’d love to have?
Who is no longer serving you? Who have you outgrown?
Are any of these relationships one-sided? (where either you or they get all the benefit)
- How do you feel about that?

Strengthening Your Community

Who could you invite in? Who could bring something new, helpful or interesting to your ‘chosen community’?
How could you make your most important relationships feel more alive?
How could you spend more quality time with people you love or enjoy?
What new habits could you build? A regular phone, messaging or in person check-in?
What activities could you do for fun? That make you feel good? That perhaps do good? (think social, meaningful, learning, exercise etc.)

And one more powerful question—especially if you already feel good about your current chosen community:

There is strength and beauty in diversity. Diversity brings different perspectives, ideas and ways of seeing the world. It shakes us out of one-dimensional thinking and helps us grow. So ask yourself:

How diverse is my community of choice—and what could I do to increase it?
- Think in terms of age, race/skin colour, gender, sexual orientation, ability, education, lived experience—and more.

Wrap-up

Create the world and community you want to inhabit!

Who are the people you feel belonging with? Who do you truly enjoy spending time with? Who will be there for you when life’s inevitable challenges come knocking?

Having a community of people we enjoy and rely on—people who can also rely on us—literally fuels our resilience.

But don’t let Social Media algorithms choose those people for you! And don’t let busyness or convenience erode the relationships that matter most.

Instead decide who you want in your community—and build it deliberately.

Remember: Building community isn’t a one-time task. It’s an ongoing practice of choosing connection, depth and joy in our relationships. Of mutual support and fun times.

Your resilience—and your joy—depend on it.

Your Action Steps:

This week:

Identify one person who truly matters to you—someone you feel better after spending time with.

Ask: What would make this relationship feel more alive? More connected?
Then reach out: suggest a real conversation (phone call, coffee, walk, lunch or dinner)

This month:

Evaluate your current community by pondering and journaling around the questions in the gold box above above.

Ask: Are you actually spending time with the people who matter most? Or are you giving your best energy to Social Media, television or strangers?
Then create one new habit to strengthen your most important relationships (weekly calls, monthly dinners, even bi-monthly or quarterly shared activities etc.)

Tip: Make this easy! Consider building an action or habit around something you already do like a weekly dog walk or exercise class.

Change the world. Start with you!

If you liked this article, you may also like:

Who Nourishes YOUR Spark? 7 Types of People You Need to Have in Your Life!

And if you want more on boosting resilience, you may also like:

Image of Diverse group of friendly helpful people by Rawpixel.com via Shutterstock