Has this happened to you lately? A Joy-Squelching Inner Critic Attack…

At the end of last week I had my first big inner critic “attack” in a very long time. And ironically it was also World Mental Health Day!

Now, many of you know that Fierce Kindness evolved and grew as a response (and solution) for managing my vicious inner critic. I had found that ignoring my critic, shouting it down and simply being kind (it just walked all over me!) was not enough. The only thing that worked was kindness with an edge: sometimes that edge was determination, sometimes perseverance and often—courage and inner strength.

Fierce Kindness started out just as a “Fiercely Kind Self”. And over the last 15 years it has evolved into a philosophy: a kind and purposeful way of being and interacting with our world. If you’d like to know more, check out the 4Cs here >>

[An aside: right now my critic wants you to know that it thinks I’m being grandiose, big-headed and arrogant] ^*

^* I am just following Brene Brown’s and many others’ sage advice: that shame and unearned criticism (our critic’s key tools) cannot withstand being brought into the light and shared with compassionate others (you, in this case!).

OK, so back to last week.

Have you had this happen?

You’re making a big decision or change in your life—or perhaps you’re working on a new, exciting project and you’re feeling really good. Things are great. Finally looking up. You’re feeling awesome.

Then (seemingly) out of the blue—an inner critic attack:

• Who do you think you are? What will people think?
• What are you playing at?
• It’ll never work out etc.

We go from feeling positive and upbeat to doubting ourselves, our decisions—and even our faith in life. And the big feelings usually evoked? Fear, guilt and shame.

These sneaky joy counterattacks often happen when:

• You’re taking a risk. Because if you take a risk and it goes wrong, your critic worries you might end up penniless, ridiculed or shunned. What if ______?
• You take bold action or stand out in some way. Your critic worries that you’re getting too big for your boots and people will think you’re arrogant, big-headed and reject you.
• You feel great, joyful, happy. Perhaps something or someone will come along and take that unearned smile off your face. How dare you feel good when people all around you are suffering? Or perhaps you don’t deserve to be happy because you haven’t earned it yet/are bad/unworthy/______ .

Learn more about the inner critic here >>

So what happened to me that day?

Well, as many of you know, I am on the cusp of working full-time of Fierce Kindness… A few more weeks of handover and work over at The Coaching Tools Company, and I will be able to dedicate myself to growing Fierce Kindness.

I am excited about the possibilities. Looking forward to developing helpful resources and training to help us be kind to ourselves, others and the world. And helping others feel happier and more fulfilled.

But, says my inner critic: Who do you think you are? To think you can make a difference and help solve the problems of the world?

In that moment I was reminded of Marianne Williamson’s quote¹ and asked myself: Who am I not to think I can make a difference? It is not my darkness I’m most afraid of, but my light… And perhaps, if I let my light shine, I would unconsciously give others permission to do the same.

So, what did I do to manage my inner critic attack?

Well, first, it took me a while to realise what was going on. As I mentioned, it’s been a while since I’ve had the heart racing, stomach dropping “anxiety” that is a direct result of the nasty things my critic says to (and stirs up in) me.

So once I noticed something was going on I paused. I noticed the feelings in my body. And named it: Ah—my inner critic is panicking.

Then I took a moment to ‘disengage’ from my critic. I do this by visualising my critic separate from me, while also grounding myself in the present and in my body. I take a few moments to recognize that I am NOT my critic. And this gives me some distance from the anxious feelings—which immediately gives some relief.

But a part of me (my critic) is still panicking. And it’s not going to go away until I take care of it.

So next I connected to my Fierce Kind Self. This self is courageous, kind and fierce(ly kind) when needed.

And now I’m ready to have a conversation: Fierce Kind Self to Inner Critic.

What did you notice about the Fierce Kind Self in this conversation?

Here’s what I noticed. The Fierce Kind Self:

• is calm and doesn’t rise to insults
• is kind and loving
• asks for more information/specifics when fears are broad
• listens and validates the inner critic’s concerns
• is honest about the situation being scary, but gives the clear message: I’ve got this
• also finds a way to bring a little fun into it

In fact it’s exactly how you’d want to talk with a scared (and possibly angry) child.

So what caused the inner critic attack?

Well, whenever we make big changes in our lives (like in my case, selling a business and starting a new one which isn’t paying the bills!), our critic is going to be scared. And the bigger the change or happiness we feel, the larger our ‘fall’ (or fail) potentially is. So the bigger the fear.

Another part of the problem was that a part of me had obviously been scared for a while, and I had done my usual “plough on regardless”. I had ignored those signs, until my critic needed to ramp up the attack before I noticed it.

What used to happen…

A long time ago, this inner critic “attack” would have simply felt like nameless, shapeless anxiety. Which in itself is scary, because if you don’t know what’s causing it, how can you fix it?

It was years before I discovered that having “conversations” with the scared part of myself helped.

And it was a while longer before I developed the Fierce Kind Self. A nurturing, kind yet firm and occasionally fierce self that is strong enough to take control and reassure the critic that “I’ve got this”.

So, here’s the big takeaway

Your critic will only back down once 1) it feels heard AND 2) it truly believes you’ve got this.

And this is where the work starts. Because it’s not just your Fierce Kind Self saying “I’ve got this”. You must find and connect to a part of you that truly believes it. Our critic easily sniffs out weakness and fear. If it thinks you don’t really have this, it will jump on that bandwagon.

And that’s where your Fierce Kind Self comes in. It’s a part of you that you can cultivate and grow that believes in you. It doesn’t believe you can achieve everything you set out to do. It knows that sometimes you’ll make mistakes and fail—that’s all part of the great tapestry of life.

But to reassure your critic, your Fierce Kind Self must believe IN you. It must believe that success and happiness are possible for you—and deserved. And crucially—it must believe that when you fail or mess up—you can handle it .

Then your critic can back down. It’s no longer needed.

It’s all a game really

What I’ve described above is a form of “parts” work. And maybe you’ve come across this before—where you recognize and play with the many “parts” of ourselves?

I discovered “parts” work when I studied NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) back in 2005. And I was hooked! As someone who sees shades of grey everywhere, I found “parts” work super-helpful to work through problems and inner conflicts. Later I discovered that my critic is just one more “part” of myself.

If the idea of “parts” of you is new to you, well, have you ever said: “A part of me wants to _____ but another part wants to _____”?

And if you’re reading this and thinking “this sounds silly”, I wonder if you can also find a part of yourself that’s thinking “I’m curious to try it”? If so, well that’s two different parts of you right there.

Really it’s all a game. Parts work is just one helpful way to manage our super-complicated brains—and our feelings, thoughts, beliefs and emotions!

All it takes is a willingness to try and a little imagination.

What we need to remember

Our inner critic is essentially a small, frightened child stuck in rigid, limiting thought patterns and beliefs.

And to grow ourselves, our careers or business we will need to stand out, take risks. Plus you may want to actually enjoy feeling happy and joyful from time to time…

So we need to remember that whenever we stretch and grow, it’s going to be uncomfortable and risky.

Which means our critic is going to want to avoid-avoid-avoid—and you’re more likely to experience an inner critic attack.

So if I was to put a positive spin on all this it would be this:

Discomfort means you’re growing. And if you have an inner critic attack, you’re likely growing a lot! Well done!

And now you just need the tools to help calm your critic.

Wrap-up

So, I hope that sharing this has been helpful.

Because I’m trying to find my voice again—for Fierce Kindness. How much of myself to reveal? How formal or casual to be? How to write in an authentic, engaging yet professional way? How much science to bring in?

And also what should I focus on and talk about? Share? What to create?

All this is up for grabs. So I’m really excited to chat to you in the upcoming informational interviews. Watch for an email from me if you’re signed up for our newsletter.

And you can also let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

If you enjoyed this you may also like:

• A Personal Introduction to The Inner Critic | Plus Why, How and Where it Comes From!
• What is the Inner Critic? And What to Do When You’re Under Attack!
• The Surprising Solution to Tame Your Inner Critic (That Actually Works)