Learning from our Losses: The Impermanence of ALL Things – Except One

This article is an exploration – of loss, the pandemic, of connection to ourselves and our feelings – and the impermanence of all things. It’s slightly different to articles you may be used to. It’s more personal and flowing (I’m having a hard time with structure this week). But to keep the focus on learning, always, I have also placed questions for you to ponder and journal around throughout this article.

So, here we get to the nub of it. It’s been a difficult week, as we finally euthanized our beloved dog Dexter. Not only did his back legs no longer work, but he had lymphoma – cancer of the lymph nodes. His cheeky, bodgy, boisterous self had slowly transmuted – and we could tell he was in pain and beginning to suffer mentally too. Anyone who has had a pet knows the difficulty of choosing the right time – trying to put your pet first, and not simply to ease your own aching heart.

Yet it is in times of great challenge that we find out who we are. What we are capable of. What we have learned – and how we have grown.

And our losses teach us something important – if we are willing to listen.

Dexter taught me 3 big things: 1) he was a constant reminder not to take life too seriously, 2) keep trying – or challenging authority – and never give up and 3) be yourself, no matter what.

With the pandemic, everyone has had a hard year.

On a global scale we may be lucky – if you’re reading this you’re probably not starving or homeless. But this doesn’t negate the fact that the pandemic has been hard for us. Just because our country is “wealthy” by global standards doesn’t mean we haven’t suffered. And when we tally up our losses we realise we have each been through a lot.

And as I pondered the last 15-18 months, here are my losses (in no particular order):

• My freedom
• Physical access to friends and family (hugs, spending time together)
• For a while I lost my mobility following knee surgery (12 weeks before I was off crutches, 6 weeks where I was completely dependent on someone else)
• The death of my mother in law (and not able to go to her funeral)
• The death of my grandmother (and not able to go to her funeral)
• Most recently the death of Dexter, our beloved dog
• Lesser losses include a planned holiday and a long weekend I had been sorely needing and looking forward to

And yet, here are the things I have been lucky enough to keep:

• Most of my income (although I have had to work harder and get creative)
• My home and garden
• My contentment/happiness (mostly – although not always)
• My relationship with my husband (although we have worked at it)
• My friendships (although the shape of some of these has changed)

And here are some areas where I have grown:

• My compassion for self – and others
• Myself – clarity on who I am, what matters most to me, what I will fight for
• My understanding of the world and what I believe needs to change (I still have a lot to learn here mind you!)
• My inner strength
• My purpose, including Fierce Kindness – the website, the philosophy and more!!!

Like me, I am sure you’ve grown in more ways than you realised (until now!)

Back to impermanence…

The loss of our our dog, Dexter, has focused me inwards. And reminded me of a core Buddhist principle – that everything is impermanent.

Consider that both:

• “Good” things are impermanent – like our pets, flowers, a delicious meal. Perhaps we get a new unpleasant boss at our previously perfect job, or our favourite pair of jeans wears out. That store we loved closes down.
• But so are the “Bad” things. The end of the pandemic is in sight – even if we still have a way to go yet. The initial intense grief of losing a loved one passes and transmutes to sadness. A headache passes and so does a hurricane or an embarrassing incident at work.

There is no doubt that life is hard at times. It is full of change and challenges and losses that we must bear.

But if we can embrace the impermanence of all things – and appreciate what we have while we have it without clinging too hard – life is easier and more satisfying.

And yet. Not EVERYthing is impermanent

As I have been thinking about Dexter’s death. And also the loss of my grandmother and my husband’s mom who both died this time last year, I realised:

There is one VERY important thing that is NOT impermanent: LOVE

Yes, there are some relationships where our love doesn’t last, but our ability to love is permanent and always with us.

Feelings of loss simply show us what we love…

I remember listening to Oprah once, and she said, “Grief is really love”. I have found this profoundly helpful.

Whenever I find myself tearing up, I have been actively remembering how much I loved Dexter. That I still love him.

And the realisation I had is that death does not end love. It removes the physical presence of our loved one, which is terribly hard, but our love is still there – and that’s why it hurts.

This is beautiful, important – and worth pondering.

Thankfully however, the pandemic is impermanent

We do seem to be slowly coming out of the pandemic. Yes, there changes, retreats and advances with the restrictions, but we are heading in the right direction.

During this pandemic, we have all suffered losses – and this is an important learning opportunity. Because the losses that hurt the most teach us what we care about most, what is important in life.

Wrap-up

This pandemic has been one huge curve ball – for all of us. And thankfully it’s impermanent.

And what I learned this week, is that love doesn’t end when a life does. That love can be permanent.

And this is a beautiful thing.

Change the world. Start with you!

If you enjoyed this article, you may also like:

• ​What We Can Learn (about overcoming difficult situations) from The Stockdale Paradox…
• Resilience: “Still I Rise” Inspirational Maya Angelou Poem
• Why we Should ALL be Grieving the Impacts of COVID