Names Do Hurt: How “Labels” Might Be Limiting You!

I bet you remember adults saying this to you when you were a child: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

And whilst this was supposed to help us deal with the name-calling we all (at some point) endured, it’s actually both wrong and harmful.

Because this saying actually denies the truth.

Calling someone names may not be the same as a punch on the nose. And yes, we can “rise above” name-calling and ignore it.

But we are a social species: we need each other to survive. So when we’re insulted and called names, on the very deepest level, it’s a threat to our survival.

Which means names can hurt us

Being called names impacts our mental wellbeing and triggers a stress response that directly impacts our physiology eg. a racing heart, upset stomach, tense jaw/shoulders etc.

And beyond our stress response—crucially—being called names also helps us form limiting beliefs about ourselves. It negatively impacts what we believe about ourselves—and what we believe we’re capable of.

Luckily we’re all grown up now…

As adults, we don’t experience much playground-type name calling.

And yet…

What about labels?

First, what do I mean by a label?

A label is simply a descriptive term that we use to refer to ourselves—or others. Well meaning or otherwise, labelling can be about our appearance, personality, how we work—or our more general behaviour.

Labels can be ‘negative’ like the Office Bitch or Sleazeball or more ‘positive’ like the Office Mom or Dependable.

Behavioural examples could be a Forgetful Nellie or Drama Queen. Appearance related labels might be the Pretty One or the Plain Jane.

On the surface, labels seem harmless

Labels are just words aren’t they?

Well yes, and… Labels can create a ‘box’ we feel uncomfortable stretching out of. It’s easy to get into the habit of behaving in ways that are expected of us—and limit ourselves.

Labelling starts early

Being labelled starts at an early age. It happens in our family, among friends and teachers.

These labels get repeated over and over by others until they appear to be true. We may even repeat these given labels to others—because we don’t know any better.

We may take on these labels because we don’t want to upset important people in our lives. Or we simply get stuck with them because we’re too busy or feel powerless to challenge or reject them. And then we end up inauthentic and unhappy, because we’re hiding who we really are.

I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. Rita Mae Brown

Lastly, sadly, if labels are given to us early enough we can even become our labels.

Labels usually go hand in hand with a judgement

Just like a judgement (right/wrong), you may have noticed that labels are also stated as certainties. Sara is _____. There is no room to move. No acknowledgement that on a different day or in a particular context someone might be any different.

• When the label judges us in a ‘positive’ way, we usually feel good about ourselves (proud, happy, appreciated).
• But when the label doesn’t fit, or is viewed negatively by people we care about, we usually feel bad about ourselves (think guilt, anger, disappointment, resentment etc.).

Labelling happens throughout our lives

Labelling doesn’t stop in childhood. Later in life, our boss, friends and colleagues add to our list of labels.

And those labels (new and old) can make it difficult for us when we want to make change in our lives.

But there can be benefits to labels too…

The Advantages of Labels include:

1. Labels make life and/or people seem more straightforward and easier to deal with: we know what to expect.
2. Labels save us time. We ‘know’ who to go to for what—and who NOT to go to!
3. So-called ‘positive’ labels can help us get a sense of our personal worth, helping us feel secure in ourselves: this is who I am.
4. Labels can guide us on how we should behave: we know what people expect of us.
5. And labels can give us permission to do things or be a certain way that may be comfortable or convenient for us (even while it may not be good for us, or who we truly are).

The Disadvantages of Labels include:

1. Labels keep our relationships shallow. We already ‘know’ who they are, and close our minds to other possibilities for that person in our lives.
2. Labels can become limiting beliefs and keep us stuck. We can end up believing (implicitly or explicitly) that _____ is just the way we are. If being a Forgetful Nellie is just who we are, why bother trying to change?
3. While labels help us avoid unwanted change, they can also limit us: we can use our label as an excuse for not moving forward.
4. Staying stuck in difficult relationships and patterns of behaviour, often with other people who have been labelled.
5. Labels make it hard to behave differently according to the circumstance. Even so-called positive labels like being “super-reliable” can mean we feel overly-bad when we make a mistake and don’t feel comfortable saying no.
6. Labels can become a source of annoyance or frustration. We can spend a lot of time and energy trying to live up to them—or trying to live them down!
7. And lastly, labels can mean that other people can avoid work or self-growth—at your expense. If you’re the “Office Mom”, no-one else needs to remember people’s birthdays, organize a card or gift.

Wrap-up

Labelling is something we all do. It’s a natural human thought process.

When we label objects it can be helpful: helping us get our message across more clearly and often faster.

But when we do it to people (or ourselves), labelling puts us in a box which can be hard to get out of.

So I hope this article has made you think a little bit. Were you aware of all the possible impacts of labelling people—whether yourself of others?

How might your own labels be limiting you? What possibilities are you missing out on—both in life and in your relationships with others?

Finally, watch for next week’s article where we have a journaling exercise to explore the impact of your labels more deeply, begin to look at how we might lose unwanted labels—and change our own behaviour for the better!

Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. Martina Navratilova

Change the world. Start with you!

Share your thoughts and what you think of this article in the comments below

If you liked this article on labels and limiting beliefs, you may also like:

• What Does it Really Mean to be “Good”? How Your Beliefs Might be Making you Anxious!
• Tools to Build Your Resilience: 1) A Strong, Healthy Mindset and 7 Beliefs to Help
• How to Work Through Major Change in 4 Steps (Self-Care Matters!)