How to Safely Release Your Anger—in a Fierce Yet Kind Way | by Wendy Buckingham

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Have you have ever been so angry or upset with someone that your mind keeps obsessing about what happened? When your mind chatter is frustrating, energy draining and doesn’t solve anything? And you can’t switch off—however hard you try?

I’ve often experienced this but have learned an effective way of calming my mind—and being kind to both myself and the other person involved.

Here’s a Personal Example of How I Stopped Angry Mind Chatter

It was the middle of the night, and I was angrily ruminating about how mad I was at a friend, we’ll call her Anne, who had let me down on a long-standing commitment. And it wasn’t the first time.

My mind kept going over and over how I should have responded, rather than just meekly accepting her excuse. I kept going over in my head what saying what I should have said to her at the time. It was exhausting!

I needed to (kindly) defuse my ranting mind and shame about my dark and mean feelings and thoughts.

Then I remembered what to do.

I got up, went to my computer and drafted an email to Anne expressing it all. I ranted and raved, no holds barred.

I even wrote nasty personal thoughts about her I would never say out loud.

This made me feel much calmer and in control. So I put the email in the drafts folder, went back to bed and (finally) slept.

Then, when I looked at what I’d written the next morning, I found the anger and the energy has mostly dissipated. I didn’t need to send the mean and unkind outpouring.

Instead I resolved to tell her kindly how I really felt about her actions—without any of the emotional charge I had expressed in the email.

FIRST: An Important Trap to Avoid!

If you’re doing this by email, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT type the email address of the recipient in your email draft.

It can be sent by accident, especially in the middle of the night—causing no end of trouble.

And yes. I did learn this the hard way.

Your Dark Feelings are OK…

We all have dark, mean thoughts at times—it’s part of being human. But rather than feeling ashamed of them or pushing them away, it’s generally much healthier to acknowledge and accept them.

It’s what you do with those feelings that matters.

The “Unsent Letter” is a way to safely vent, no holds barred, in draft form rather than bottling it up in your head. This is being fiercely kind to yourself.

Remember that the more you try to put a lid on those feelings and thoughts, the more they’ll want to burst out—like a pressure cooker!

The “Unsent Letter” defuses the extreme emotional charge so that you can later communicate what you’re still feeling in a kind and non-combative way. Which is also being kind to the other person.

The Magic of the Written Word

It’s amazing how putting something in writing, whether by email or a hand-written letter, can stop all our mind chattering anger in its tracks.

It’s also a really effective way of being kind to yourself.

By getting all the turmoil out of your head and into writing, it feels as if the issue has been handled for the time being. You feel in control and can let it go—and maybe get some sleep!

Personally, I prefer an email or letter over a journal entry as it feels more real—a possible communication—rather than a reflection. But beware the trap I mentioned!

What to do next time you feel super angry with someone:

So, next time you have an issue that just won’t let your mind rest, try putting it in writing.

Then pause. Sleep on it. Give yourself a day or longer. Perhaps read it several times before you decide what next steps you’ll take.

You may decide to have a face-to-face or phone meeting. But if that doesn’t work, once you’ve got the worst of what you feel out of your system, you can edit your original ‘charged’ communication down into something kinder and more civilized. Now you can responsibly say what you need to say—with no regrets.

Let me know how this works for you.

Contributing Author: Wendy Buckingham is a certified life coach with over 25 years’ experience. She now supports new and experienced coaches through her website Life Coaching Professionally. Over the last 15 years Life Coaching Professionally has evolved into a valued, independent and free resource for coaches and become Wendy’s life’s work and legacy. Plus, Wendy’s Life Coaching Successfully Series of books is also an evolving expression of her work, passing on information and skills for successful coaching in a compact and user-friendly format. You can find details of the books here for the best bundle price deals, and also on Amazon.

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