Introducing Your Fiercely Kind Self: A Powerful Practice to Manage Difficult Feelings!

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The holidays can be a challenging time for many of us. There is often stress as we prepare for the holidays, then there is spending time with people we may find challenging and also for some, sadness as we grieve the people no longer in our lives. And the expectation that everyone should be “merry and bright” can add to the pressure—which can make us feel even worse.

So I thought it a good time to share this core Fierce Kindness practice that (among other things!) helps us manage and process our difficult feelings and emotions more kindly and effectively.

We live in an increasingly uncertain world

In this increasingly VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous) era, we all have increasing—and very real—fears and worries.

And this means that one of the most common challenges many of us have to deal with is managing and processing our ‘scary’ thoughts and feelings.

And despite there being a better awareness and appreciation of the importance of mental health since the pandemic, we still live in a society that ultimately believes feelings are childish or ‘weak’ or that if we just ‘think positive’, our difficult feelings will go away.

So it’s no surprise that most of us are good at ignoring and stuffing down their feelings.

But we need to stop avoiding our difficult feelings…

When we feel shame, fear, anxiety, anger or any mental discomfort, we must stop shoving those parts of ourselves aside.

Because stuffing feelings down doesn’t make them go away. Instead they’ll just pop back up later, or worse, hang around and fester, making you feel bad over a long period of time! And. If we ignore those difficult thoughts and feelings long enough they can also increase, as the worried part of us gets even more worried—because you’ve done nothing to reassure them.

Ironically, it’s looking closer at, embracing and soothing our unpleasant feelings that stops them from taking over. But how do we do this?

What you resist persists. And what you look at, disappears. Neale Donald Walsch

Well, creating a Fiercely Kind Self can help!

What kind of help would you like when you’re feeling anxiety, fear, shame—or any other uncomfortable emotion?

How about a Fiercely Kind (Inner) Self?

A Fiercely Kind Self is an inner resource, a part of ourselves that combines the:

unconditional love of an ideal parent
wisdom and calm non-judgement of a loving grandparent
strength of a fully confident and mature adult who believes “I can handle this”
and the fierceness of a mama bear protecting its cubs

So when we have difficult feelings, instead of avoiding the situation or stuffing down our feelings we can use our Fiercely Kind Self to take care of ourselves in a healthy manner—and take action as needed.

When you’re having a difficult time, connect with your Fiercely Kind Self!

So, how do you connect with your Fiercely Kind Self?

Step 1) Explore the idea of your Fiercely Kind Self

You already have all you need within. Your Fierce Kind Self is simply a package of helpful qualities—that you can step into whenever you need to.

For example, your Fiercely Kind Self is:

Nurturing and kind.
Wise and always open to learn.
Strong, courageous, unflappable and fierce when it needs to be.
And like an ideal parent it unconditionally loves you. ALL of you—no matter what.

Now perhaps you’re thinking: no-one is that perfect.

And you’re right. No-one is.

But a part of you can be—especially if we’re creating it!

Look at it this way: because we’re consciously creating our Fiercely Kind Self we can create whatever we want—and we can also make it exactly what we need!

In fact this is the power of our Fiercely Kind Self: it can always be exactly what we need.

ACTION: Take a moment now to begin to imagine a Fiercely Kind Self that embodies the qualities listed above.

Step 2) Build out your Fiercely Kind Self!

Let’s take a moment to consciously create an image of your Fiercely Kind Self. This is a you at your best: a kind, wise ‘part’ that inspires and uplifts you!

First, your Fiercely Kind Self can look like a version of you (mine does). But it can actually look however you want—perhaps a beloved grandparent or story character. It could also be an animal, a tree or even a creature of your imagination!
So, what does your Fiercely Kind Self look like? What age are they? What would they wear? What hairstyle do they have?
Also consider how they sound, their facial expressions and importantly—the energy you feel from them.

Watch this space early next year for a workshop to help you create your Fiercely Kind Self!

ACTION: So what does your Fiercely Kind Self look like? Answer the questions above to build out a picture of your unique Fiercely Kind Self!

Step 3) Connect with Your Fiercely Kind Self whenever you need it!

Now, whenever you need it, first imagine and then step into your Fiercely Kind Self. Become the Fiercely Kind Self you have just been imagining.

Because think about it: Who, better than us, is equipped to know exactly what we want and need?

Here are some ideas of when you could connect with and embody your Fierce Kind Self:

Calm your inner critic when it’s worrying about something with a fiercely kind, wise conversation in your journal—so your critic feels heard and can relax.
Process difficult feelings from a strong, fiercely kind place—helping you first acknowledge what you truly feel, then reminding you to focus on the positive—and move forwards.
Take control when you’re spiraling. Reassure your critic by letting it know you’ve got this. Say what it needs to hear to stand down—not just the sugary stuff, but also the tough love and common sense.

Top Tips

Remember that your inner critic is simply a child acting out, needing to know that it’s safe. So the one thing your inner critic needs to hear from your Fiercely Kind Self is, “I’ve got this”. In other words: you can stop worrying now because I’ve got this situation—and I’ve got you…
Our Fiercely Kind Self is never mean or petty, to you—or anyone else. So if you’re blaming, being judgey or mean, you’ll know you’ve slipped out of your Fiercely Kind Self. Just breathe, feel into it and imagine becoming your FKS again!

ACTION: Is there something in your life right now that could benefit from your Fiercely Kind Self? Take a moment now to imagine being your Fiercely Kind Self—and let them help you.

Wrap up

Embodying our Fiercely Kind Self is an extremely powerful practice. Your FKS knows exactly what you really need to hear, say or do. Because it IS you.

It helps us take care of our difficult thoughts and feelings—and take courageous and kind action as needed. And when we connect to our Fiercely Kind Self on a regular basis, this practice also boosts our confidence, courage, clarity—and calm. So ultimately, this core Fierce Kindness practice will serve you richly in the years to come.

I’ll leave you with a final quote:

Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. Benjamin Disraeli

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