5 Easy Ways to Deal with Sexist (or any kind of -ist) Humour at Work or Anywhere Really!

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a sexist, racist or any other kind of stereotypical joke or comment? I would imagine your answer is a resounding “Yes”! And how many times have you heard someone make a joke that insults someone else—but not been sure what to say? Well, this article is for you!

It seems like it’s finally becoming acceptable to speak up and call it out. Not that it’s easy yet, but the mood is shifting…

Which is great, because none of us are safe from discrimination until EVERYone is respected as an equal—no matter your race, gender, sexual preference/orientation, religion, size, ability, age etc.

Consider that as long as discrimination is acceptable towards one type of human—then it can easily shift onto another.

And this means that it’s important to speak up (when safe to do so) when someone makes an inappropriate comment or joke. So in this article we’re going to take a look at specifically how to do that and some of the things to watch out for.

In the end anti-black, anti-female, and all forms of discrimination are equivalent to the same thing: anti-humanism. Shirley Chisholm

Jokes are more damaging than they seem…

Have you noticed how the worst sexists and racists get away with it—over and over again—because it’s said with a laugh, a nod and a wink?

Growing up, I remember bristling at sexist jokes which were common in England at that time. I would get defensive and angrily say something, and mostly just got laughed at—or told I was too sensitive: “It’s just a joke!”.

But it isn’t, is it?

Conveniently for the speaker, when something is said as a joke, it makes it much harder to speak up without being seen as over-reacting.

Jokes which target a particular type of human are a crafty and subtle way to put people down in a “socially acceptable” manner. Humour literally “softens” the blow, and this reduces the perception that the speaker is being discriminatory.

And this makes jokes and offhand remarks a great way to make others feel smaller. They can embarrass, shame and humiliate. And they leave the joke teller (and those who share in the joke) ‘one-up’ on whoever is being made fun of.

Sometimes it’s unintentional

Not every joke is intended to provoke or discriminate. Some people just aren’t aware of the harm they’re doing.

In fact we’ve likely all done it at some point. For example, as a child I used to tell “Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman” jokes where the Irish person is always the stupid one, and the English person is the clever one. These jokes were so common that it didn’t occur to me that these were both insulting and racist.

So it’s important to speak up

When we allow sexist, racist or any kind of -ist jokes at work (or in our society), it changes the culture. These jokes increase the tolerance everyone has for discrimination—and nudges the needle of prejudice closer to acceptability.

So when we don’t say anything, we are complicit both in the insult given and we’re helping the speaker maintain their “one-up” status.

And we need to have a plan!

First, know that you’re allowed to be upset by jokes or discriminatory remarks—whether made directly towards you, or to someone in your hearing. It’s not OK.

And now we need to get clever.

We need to get better at handling these situations—both for ourselves and for others.

Because all too often we get side-swiped: too surprised or afraid to respond in the moment. Then afterwards, we sit at home wishing we’d said something.

So it’s important to at least have a “go to” response and a strategy or two up our sleeves!

And we’ll get to that in a minute! But first, we don’t always need to publicly speak up. Sometimes it’s more effective to speak to someone privately.

Remember that shaming is an unkind way to teach people new things: if you can speak to someone privately—and you think they’ll listen—this a chance to permanently change minds (rather than just embarrassing someone into changing their behaviour).

Yes, it can be hard to speak up!

When we speak up, there’s always a risk that we’ll become the target (if we weren’t already). We might get called killjoy, boring, uptight or over-sensitive.

A couple of responses to this are to:

1. Deadpan (have a totally serious face) and say something like, “Well, it must be true if you’re saying so.”
2. Calmly and humorously say, “Well, look who’s being sensitive/uptight now?!”

But speaking up is especially hard for women and minorities.

Women have been socialised to stay quiet: smile, don’t rock the boat, don’t make others feel bad (even if they’re doing a ‘bad’ thing). In short, don’t damage relationships…

And people who are marginalised or in the minority may have been bullied, shamed or experienced reprisals.

This is all part of a system that allows discrimination to continue.

And I think we should be angry about this.

So why not use our anger as fuel?

I don’t mean getting publicly angry.

Instead I’m talking about using your healthy inner anger at the injustice as the fuel (the push you need) to calmly and courageously speak up.

Remember that when we don’t speak up, we’re unintentionally giving the speaker our ‘seal of approval’ and normalising the behaviour.

And be an ally for others!

Being an ally for others is a fantastic way to embody Fierce Kindness and make a difference in the world.

Because it’s hard for the person being made fun of to speak up without seeming defensive, angry or “unable to take a joke”.

And this goes beyond gender. It’s easiest (and most powerful) to call out people who are like us.

So calling someone out has the most impact when, for example:

• A man calls out another man for sexism.
• A White person calls out another White person for racist remarks.
• Someone young or slim calls out another young or slim person for ageism or sizeism.
• Someone able-bodied calls out someone who is also able-bodied for ableist or patronising remarks.

I love this quote from an article¹ by David G. Smith & W. Brad Johnson who wrote Good Guys: How Men Can Be Better Allies for Women in the Workplace:

One should not feel ashamed about having privilege but instead use it to deconstruct barriers.

Wrap-up

Equality often isn’t understood (never mind voluntarily given) by those who are privileged or in charge. Instead we must demand and require it for ourselves—and those around us.

We must remember that jokes and offhand remarks can be a form of bullying. To speak up we need to develop a thicker skin, and we must learn to worry less about what people think of us—especially if they are a bully.

We can tap into our natural and healthy anger and use this as the fuel to provide the courage to speak up.

And we must have a plan—one or more ‘go to’ strategies that we can confidently deploy as needed.

Finally, use Fierce Kindness to be strong and courageous when you need to be—but also hold onto your compassion. Because as always we must be the change we wish to see.

I hope this article has given you a few ideas for the next time a discriminatory remark or joke is made in your hearing. Remember to:

• Stay safe.
  
• Be ready. It can be hard to respond on the fly—so have a favourite phrase or response ready to go.
• Start small. If you need to, begin with 1) The Awkward Pause and then work up to something more challenging!

Change the world. Start with you!

So what tips and clever comebacks do you have to share? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

If you liked this, you may also like:

• Is it any Wonder Men Think they Know Best?
• Why Fierce Kindness Matters and How We Change the World!
• 12 Ways to Be Fiercely Kind with Yourself! (Infographic)