Real-Life Kindness Lessons: Learning to Receive (as well as give!)

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I used to think kindness was all about being kind to others. But what about allowing other people to be kind to us?

The Kindness Paradox

Most of us excel at giving kindness. We see someone struggling and offer help. We bring meals during difficult times. We volunteer, mentor colleagues, and generously give our time, energy and resources to those in need.

So, why is it so hard to let others help us? Well, it’s not just you…

Two Recent Kindnesses I Refused (and Regret)

1) The Free Ride!

I went to a party with two new friends (let’s call them Kristine and Patti)m and Patti had volunteered to be our designated driver. When Kristine decided to leave early and said she’d call a taxi, I offered to share the ride rather than pull Patti away from the party. I let Patti know we were heading out, and we took the taxi home.

The next day, Patti reached out to tell me she would have been happy to drive us home if we’d asked. She was gracious about it, but I could tell she was a little hurt.

That’s when it hit me: in trying not to be a burden, I’d actually robbed Patti of the chance to do something kind. My assumption about inconveniencing her had denied her the opportunity to help—something she clearly wanted to do.

2) The Loyalty Points!

I was at the supermarket checkout, buying a replacement SodaStream cartridge that normally costs around $20. There was a promotion offering $10 off with loyalty points, so I asked the cashier to check my balance. Not enough points—oh well.

Then the man behind me in line offered his points to save me the $10. Instead of graciously accepting his generous gesture, I awkwardly declined mumbling, “No, that’s OK. Thank you though.”

He looked down. So did I. And although I wanted to change my mind, it felt too awkward and then the moment passed.

Walking to my car, I made a promise: “Next time, I’m saying yes!”

The Surprising Truth About My Actions!

Twice in two weeks I had denied someone the opportunity to be kind—to me. And I had this unexpected realisation:

In these situations, I had been unkind!

Think about it: How do you feel when you do something kind for someone else? When you help a friend move house or pay for a stranger’s coffee?

For me, it feels wonderful. I feel good about myself, and I also feel a deep sense of connection to our fellow humans (and there’s actual science behind this: acts of kindness release oxytocin and create what researchers call a “helper’s high”—that warm glow feeling).

So, why do we deny others the opportunity to feel good?

There are Hidden Costs to Refusing Kindness…

My big insight is that when we say “No” to other people’s offers of kindness, we actually cause a number of ‘harms’:

We deny others the joy and satisfaction of helping—and feeling good!
We might actually make the other person feel bad: embarrassed, foolish, disappointed and worse
We deny ourselves precious help and assistance
(OK so this one is a bit woo-woo) We stop positive energy from being generated in the world!

All because we think we “should” handle everything alone? Because we don’t want to be a burden? Because we’re afraid of feeling obligated?

How many of these fears, rules and beliefs are actually true or helpful?

Well, at Fierce Kindness, I’m here to remind you:

Kindness is not just about giving.
It’s also about receiving.

Living a life of kindness starts with being kind to ourselves—and sometimes that means saying, “Yes” when someone offers help.

Truly, what are we afraid of? Making someone’s day? Allowing another person to feel the warm glow of generosity? Discovering there are more good people in the world than we thought?

The Ripple Effect of Kindness

I was mortified to realise that in refusing the gentleman’s kind offer at the supermarket, I embarrassed him and he may never offer his points to someone again. Instead of creating a positive ripple effect, I may have created a negative one.

And. We need to remember that there are positive ripple effects when we gratefully receive kindness or help from someone…

So, be part of the change you want to see: create positive ripples of kindness by saying a wholehearted, delighted “yes” the next time someone offers you kindness.

Your Turn: Fierce Kindness in Action!

Here are 3 ways you can put Fierce Kindness into Action:

1) Reflect and grow

What thoughts, beliefs and rules do I have that stop me from saying, “Yes”?
What past experiences make it hard to accept kindness from others?
What would it feel like to say “Yes” with genuine enthusiasm?

2) Take action

Say “Yes” with delight the next time someone offers you help or a kindness (the delight matters—because it maximises the benefit for both of you!)
Take a moment to notice the other person’s reaction when you say yes.
Finally, notice how it makes you feel too—then remember that positive feeling for next time!

3) Challenge your assumptions

We’ve all heard that it’s better to give than receive, but if everyone is busy giving, who is left to receive?
Could it be considered selfish to deny others the chance to feel good when they offer kindness?
Yes, receiving can be vulnerable—but vulnerability also builds trust. Who would you like to build a deeper, more trusting relationship with?

When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully everyone is blessed. Maya Angelou

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Image of Woman in green sweater pondering, holding chin looking up and right by Roman Samborskyi via Shutterstock