Beyond Being “Nice”: 7 Ways to Tell If You’re Being Truly Kind or Just People-Pleasing… May 15, 2025 Reading Time: 5 min ShareTweetPinShare0 SharesHow often have you done something “nice” for someone, only to feel resentful afterwards? Or said yes when you really wanted to say no? In this article we explore what Authentic Kindness truly means—and how it differs from simply being nice or people-pleasing. Because understanding these differences creates more authentic relationships and gives you more energy for yourself and your own life!So, what is Kindness anyway?I believe Kindness is a form of Love that can be applied any time, in any situation to anyone.We may not be able to love the homeless person on the street. We may find it hard to love someone who holds very different views to us or someone we dislike. But we can always make a choice to be kind.So while “Love” is something we either feel—or we don’t, Kindness is active: it’s a choice.But because it’s a choice, this also means it’s easy to force and “overdo” kindness—usually at our own expense…Kindness PitfallsIt’s easy for us to mistake being “nice” or “people pleasing” for kindness—after all we’ve been trained from a young age to be considerate, polite and helpful.Which means that so many of us spend our lives putting everyone else first out of habit. And so we end up tired and overcommitted—and if we’re not careful resentful and burned out.So, how can we avoid people pleasing and being “nice”?Well, here’s a helpful definition of Kindness I came across recently:Kindness is simply choosing love over fear.What’s helpful here is the recognition that underneath what causes us to be a “people pleaser” or being overly “nice” is fear. Fear of what others will think of us, fear of rejection, fear of our own internal guilt…So, what makes Kindness Authentic?Well, the key to understand authentic kindness is what drives our behaviour:Being Nice is motivated by wanting to be seen by others (or ourselves) as a “nice” or a “good person”. It’s about doing what’s expected of us ie. we are often nice because we think we should be.People Pleasing is motivated by wanting to avoid rejection and judgement—both from ourselves and others. It’s where we put other people’s needs and feelings above our own—and usually boils down to a self-worth issue.Authentic Kindness has no shoulds, musts or ought tos. With Authentic Kindness, we’re motivated by a genuine wish to help. And crucially, we’re not draining or pushing ourselves—with authentic kindness we are energised and enthused.But what does this look like in everyday life? Let’s explore the differences!Here are 7 Key Distinctions (with Questions to ask Yourself) The distinctions below will help you recognize when you’re being authentically kind ‘v’ when you might be falling into unhealthy patterns. And each distinction comes with reflective questions to help you.1) Is Your Motivation Internal or External?With Authentic Kindness we are motivated from within. This feels clear, centered and calm.Are you motivated by your values, genuine care and compassion—or do you feel obligated?Do I feel an inner ‘no’ or ‘yes’ to this? How does your body feel? What’s your gut telling you?Are you more concerned with being seen as ‘nice’—or avoiding guilt or rejection?2) Does this Energize or Deplete You?Authentic Kindness usually comes with a buzz, or energizes us—even if what we’re doing takes extra effort!Does your kindness feel good and energize you—or is it going to tire and deplete you?3) Are You Expecting Others to Behave a Certain Way in Response?Authentic Kindness is offered with no expectations placed on other people.Is your kindness freely given?Or will you be disappointed if others don’t return the favour—or aren’t suitably grateful or “nice” in return?4) Are You Avoiding / Taking the Path of Least Resistance? (courage ‘v’ comfort)Authentic Kindness faces the truth and courageously does the right thing, even when it’s hard.Are you being courageous and willing to have that difficult conversation—or would you rather stay safe, avoid conflict and difficult truths?5) Where are Your Boundaries? (self-respect ‘v’ self-sacrifice)Authentic Kindness is kind to others and you. It respects and sets boundaries around our own energy, values, beliefs, time—and more.Who are you prioritising here? Is this also kind to you?Are you respecting and honouring your own values, beliefs, needs and boundaries—or are you sacrificing them to be nice or avoid upsetting someone?6) Are You Communicating Clearly?Authentic Kindness is clear. The other person understands exactly what you’re saying—and your words and body language align.Are you being honest, open and clear in your communication? (this is often a sign of your kindness being confidently authentic)Or are you tiptoeing around giving mixed messages or creating confusion? (this may well be a sign that you’re uncomfortable—and not being honest with yourself and/or others)7) Are You Empowering—or Enabling Others?Authentic Kindness knows the (sometimes tricky!) difference between empowering and enabling someone. So, when needed, Authentic Kindness goes deeper to solve problems and ensure we aren’t reinforcing unhealthy behaviours from others.Are you considering the underlying needs of the person or situation—or are you focusing on a quick fix to maintain harmony?Are you enabling someone else’s unhealthy behaviour patterns to continue?Tip: Notice that these distinctions all connect back to authenticity, courage and self-respect (key elements of Fierce Kindness).How to ensure your kindness is authenticClick to grab your Free ToolSo, how do we make sure our kindness is not secretly driven by a need for approval—or avoiding disapproval (whether by ourselves or others)?Well, as always, it starts with awareness. And to help I’ve created a free handout based on the 7 areas above with questions to ask yourself to figure out “Am I a People Pleaser or is it Authentic Kindness?”Am I a People Pleaser or is it Authentic Kindness? Handout >>Download from the link above to have these 7 helpful questions plus tips available whenever you need them.Bonus Exercise: Your Personal Signs of Authentic KindnessFinally, let’s raise your awareness one step further with a practical exercise.Begin by considering the 7 distinctions above, then grab your journal or pen and paper and make a list of your personal signs:I know I am being Authentically Kind when: ___________I might be People Pleasing or Being Too “Nice” when: ___________Then notice when these signs come up in your daily interactions over the next week or so.To help, here are some sample answers from our fabulous Kindness Community:Real-Life Signs that it’s Authentic KindnessA heartfelt desire to share something good from my heart.It feels good, no negative feelings.I can feel my heart open.Trusting that kind words (even if it’s difficult) will strengthen a relationship.Being mindful and intentional.Responding after a pause (not right away).Not expecting anything in return. I’ve let go of the expectation or risk of disappointment.It is being me.Real-Life Signs that it’s People Pleasing or being “Nice”My energy is drained.It’s inconvenient for me, doesn’t feel good or I don’t feel like doing it.If their words make me uncomfortable and I tolerate it, then I’m people-pleasing.Reacting very quickly with an overly positive response to what someone has said.Only considering the other person and not asking for what I need.When I become quiet and withdrawn.When it doesn’t feel good.Wrap-up I hope this has been helpful and that it helps you be more authentically kind in your life.Because the world needs more Authentic Kindness—kindness that comes from a place of inner strength and self-respect, not fear.And as you move forward, I invite you to practice noticing the difference between authentic kindness and people-pleasing in your daily interactions.And remember to use the questions in the Authentic Kindness or People Pleasing? 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Handout and your own personal signs from the bonus exercise above to guide you.If you liked this, you may also like:Check out our Community Gathering Recording: Authentic Kindness or People Pleasing?Am I Too Nice For My Own Good? With 10 Signs to Help You DecideWhy Fierce Kindness is a Practice…Image of Woman forcing a smile to show people pleasing by Kraken ImagesShareTweetPinShare0 SharesLeave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* Website Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.