Stop Shoulding on Yourself: True vs False Guilt—and How to Let it Go!

As the holidays draw closer, there are going to be lots of opportunities for us to feel guilt… But will it be true guilt—or false guilt?

Guilt feels so unpleasant we just want it to stop. So we try to block it out, but it just keeps popping back up. Or we play the situation over (and over) in our minds, analysing and justifying what we did or didn’t do. We have endless conversations with friends about it, or distract ourselves with shopping, ice cream or a glass of wine.

In short, we do everything BUT face it. And while this can work for a while, eventually our inner critic pops up to remind us of what we should have done, how thoughtless and selfish we are (fill in your own judgement here)—and the cycle starts all over again.

Don’t get stuck in self-judgement and pointless emotional pain. Let’s lighten your load and learn to spot false guilt together—so you can save the angst for when you really did something wrong!

The True Purpose of Guilt

Feeling guilt is unpleasant—and it’s meant to be! Guilt’s evolutionary purpose is to literally make us feel bad when we do ‘bad’ things. The goal is to stop us from doing them again: to encourage us to reflect and learn from our mistakes—and make amends (as needed) to those we have hurt or upset.

But sometimes we feel guilt that is ‘false’.

This could look like guilt that is waaaaaaaaay out of proportion to what actually happened. Did you forget a birthday? Snap at someone? Not pay for those photocopies at the library when the machine was dishing out freebies?

Yes, you might feel a teeny bit of guilt here—but it shouldn’t be raging guilt, just a little nudge to apologise or make a donation.

And sometimes we feel guilty about things that, frankly, we shouldn’t feel guilt about at all—like saying no, putting ourselves first, or when someone takes something we say the wrong way!

Plus, these days, there seem to be more and more ‘reasons’ to feel guilty: I should have recycled that/volunteered at that fundraiser/stayed late and finished that project/gone to that family dinner.

Should, should, should. We ‘should’ all over ourselves—and feel a lot of unnecessary guilt!

How to Know if it’s ‘False’ Guilt

Your guilt is likely ‘false’ when the feeling is out of proportion to the severity of your action—or when that guilty feeling doesn’t go away after you apologise and make amends.

But most of us can’t tell the difference between true and false guilt. So let’s take a closer look.

Why Guilt Feels True, When It Isn’t…

Much of our guilt was learned as children. When we were small, upsetting the adults around us was scary as we depended on them for love, approval and safety. So we learned to be “good”, to keep everyone happy, and that if someone was disappointed or upset, well—it was probably our fault.

And many of us are still viewing the world through this childhood lens, carrying rules like I must never upset anyone, good people always put others first, or if someone’s unhappy, it’s me that did something wrong.

These limiting beliefs are guaranteed to trigger ‘false’ guilt! It’s impossible to never upset anyone, to always put others first and it can’t always be you who is in the wrong…

All too often we assume that because we feel guilty it must be true: we are a bad person. But guilt is just a thought—not reality. And if you can recognize the difference, you’re well on your way!

Remember: Just because you feel or think something doesn’t make it true!

Here’s what ‘True’ Guilt Looks Like

TRUE GUILT comes from a lack of internal integrity.

As adults (and especially as kind adults) it should be rare that we experience real guilt. Hopefully, big feelings of true guilt are few and far between.

It’s probably REAL or TRUE GUILT if:

• You did something that goes against your own truth or values.
  • Did you keep something you should have returned? Did you lie? Did you physically harm someone through your action or inaction? Did you pass on gossip or play a prank that backfired?
• You did something you can clearly see is ‘wrong’—even if you only see this in retrospect. You may not like it—but it’s clear cut.
• The guilt feels reasonable and appropriate for whatever you did (or didn’t do).
• You feel both responsible and accountable for what happened.
• The guilt is resolved by facing and stopping the behaviour—and/or by taking appropriate action to make amends.
• The situation leads to learning, self-forgiveness—and perhaps even increased self-respect…

True Guilt feels reasonable: it makes sense, is clear-cut and feels entirely appropriate.

So, here’s what ‘False’ Guilt Looks Like

FALSE GUILT is a learned response. It’s triggered by something external to us—an outside demand we could not or did not meet.

It’s probably UNREASONABLE or FALSE GUILT if:

• You feel stuck or trapped, like there weren’t any other options.
• You feel bad, but haven’t done anything that is clearly ‘wrong’ or unacceptable.
• The amount of guilt you feel is way bigger than your action (or inaction).
• The situation feels outside of your control—you’re not fully responsible or accountable.
• You assume the guilt is true—without exploring whether you actually earned it or not.
• You feel to blame. You may even feel the need to be punished.
• Shoulds are involved… eg. you think you should put someone else’s feelings or needs before your own.
• Someone is falsely blaming us , overreacting or manipulating us into doing what they want.
• You’ve apologised, made amends and yet you still feel guilty.

False Guilt is unreasonable (you can’t reason with it), inappropriate (guilt is assumed, yet unearned) and unhealthy (we feel terrible without a good reason).

So, how do you get rid of unreasonable or false guilt?

If you suspect your guilt is false, try this simple heartfelt 5 step process.

TIP: If the feelings are particularly intense or distracting, grab a pen and your journal to explore these steps more deeply. Putting pen to paper helps us apply logic and connect with different parts of ourselves so we see a more balanced truth.

Wrap-up

Guilt is universal—something we all experience from time to time. And real guilt plays a vital role in facing ourselves, rebuilding relationships and learning from our mistakes.

It’s impossible to go through life without making mistakes, hurting or disappointing people. And many mistakes are too small to be worthy of any ‘real’ guilt.

Disappointing people is a guarantee in life. But disappointing someone to take care of you—in other words, disappointing others so that you don’t disappoint yourself is rarely guilt-worthy.

We can’t please all of the people all of the time. And if we burn ourselves out doing what everyone else wants when do we get time for us? When do we get to put our needs or our own families first? Each and every adult is responsible for their own happiness—so take care of you and yours, and ditch the false guilt!

If you liked this article on false guilt, try:

• Am I Too Nice For My Own Good? With 10 Signs to Help You Decide!
• Connect With Your Kind, Wise Self: A Surprisingly Powerful Practice to Manage Difficult Feelings!
• The Surprising Solution to Tame Your Inner Critic (That Actually Works)

You may also like our free resource on the 7 types of boundaries—and which you need to work on!

Change the World. Start with You!