Centering Mindfulness Tools to Help You Stay Cool, Calm & Collected! | by Julia Menard & Judy Zehr

This article is adapted from a book and eBook created by Judy Zehr and Julia Menard called “Hold On To Yourself – Through Difficult Conversations”. Julia is a friend, colleague, conflict and mediation expert and all around kind person! And as we approach the holidays, this easy-to-read article will help you manage any tense times a little better. Enjoy!

Our brains are constantly assessing the world around us

Fundamentally, like all mammals, our minds are constantly assessing: do I move toward something (attraction or approach) or away from something (aversion or avoidance). This is what our ‘default neural circuits’ are up to—a constant stream of thinking about the past, present, self, others, approach and avoidance.

This constant thinking is happening unconsciously (or semi-consciously). And research suggests that the more we follow the trance of these default decision-making circuits, following their ups and downs, the more easily we ‘fall into’ stress states.

When we’re on ‘auto-pilot’, we’re more likely to be high-strung, tired, stressed and easily confused.

This is where mindful awareness comes in

By practicing mindful awareness, you’re less vulnerable to stumbling into stress, less vulnerable to being triggered and caught off guard, and less likely to fall into unhelpful habitual reactions.

Mindfulness helps with self-awareness

Practicing mindfulness will provide you with a solid foundation of self-awareness.

Self-awareness helps you prevent or ease the pain of disconnection and misunderstanding in conversations with others, the kind that happens when you’re out of balance…

Mindfulness also sets the stage for greater resilience during tough times. It is our foundation. Being human, we will still get triggered, and have particularly challenging people, situations and topics that will send us into a stress response. But having a strong foundation of mindfulness and self-awareness helps us face stress and those winds of change more adaptively.

And we have a tool to help!

Staying connected to yourself means staying in your body, awake to the present moment and noticing what you’re feeling. What are your body sensations telling you? This allows you to slow down your ‘knee jerk’ reactions, and recognize your automatic thoughts and behaviors.

So one tool we recommend is the Centering Mindfulness Tool. We suggest you practice this tool throughout your day, several times a day if possible. If it’s challenging to practice all the components—just choose one or two that are easy for you and doable.

The point is the practice, not perfection.

IMPORTANT: Whatever and however you practice is always good enough. It’s the intention that matters most of all.

Here are the 4 Steps in the Centering Mindfulness Tool

1. Dignified Posture

A hunched or powerless posture won’t help you activate your inner strength and balance. Instead give your brain the message that “all is well”.

Notice your posture and see if you can make any slight adjustments so you are in what Jon Kabat-Zinn calls the “dignified posture”. What does this look like?

• Relax and put your shoulders back, straighten your spine, slightly smile.

This means you’re now using ‘proprioception’, which helps the body communicate well-being and balance to the brain.

2. Deep Breaths

This is the most important single practice you can do for your stress biology—deep breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system—the antidote to the stress response. Try this:

• Breathe into your belly, consciously relaxing more with each exhale.
• Take as many belly breaths as you need to begin to feel a bit more present, a bit more relaxed.

You can also practice elongating your exhale (so you are breathing out for longer than you breathe in), which also stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system. Breathe in to the count of three, breathe out to the count of five.

Have a hard time belly breathing? Clasp your hands behind your lower back and straighten your arms. This inhibits your chest muscles, making your diaphragm expand with your breath and ensures belly breathing.

3. Observe without Judgment

See if you can begin to observe yourself without judgment—or even better, lovingly observe yourself! Warmly observe yourself in the present moment just as you are. Here’s how:

• Release any judgments or evaluations.
• Be curious about your feelings, sensations and thoughts.
• Look at yourself as a loving parent might look upon a child.
• Alternatively gaze upon yourself as if you were a spiritual figure—a person or being that represents unconditional acceptance and love.
• Accept, allow and forgive yourself.

4. Bring Up a Feeling of Compassion or Kindness Toward Yourself

Take a moment to tune into your heart. See if you can practice feeling compassion or kindness toward yourself.

It can help to say something kind or understanding to yourself in a tone of voice that is supportive and warm. Here’s how:

• You can say something out loud—or use your inner voice.
• Say something kind or understanding to yourself—the key is to say it in a warm, kind and supportive way.
  • Say words or a mantra that helps you feel better in this moment. These are words of empathy, appreciation and support or words connecting you with your strength and courage and power. For example:
    • I’ve got this, You’re doing the best you can with what you have, I’m proud of myself for how I’m handling this, I am strong and capable.
  • Some people prefer to say one word that helps them feel balanced, whole and connected. For example:
    • Peace, love, om, shalom, thank you, breathe.

Wrap-up

Cultivating a mindful awareness practice strengthens your ability to ‘hold onto yourself’ through stressful situations. And it’s a foundation for being able to stay present in difficult conversations.

So practice these four steps—individually, in combination or all together. However you use these steps, you’ll create a pause to bring yourself back to a more balanced state.

Finally, know that just by beginning to practice these steps you’re laying down the foundation for change. It takes less than a minute to practice, and the more you practice it, the more you can also call on it in difficult times.

He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened. Lao Tzu

Extra Resources

• Join Julia Menard in a special webinar as she gives us tools to “Hold onto Yourself and Stay Kind” over the stressful holiday season.
  • Register here >>
  • WHEN: Tuesday December 2, 2025 – 9am PT, 12pm ET, 5pm UK, 9.30pm IST
• Grab the book Hold On To Yourself – Through Difficult Conversations. Just $12.99, (or $3.99 for the Kindle version)
  • The book is available on Amazon, but this link goes directly to the publishing house Balboa Press as we believe in supporting small(er) businesses.

Contributing Author: Julia Menard, PCC, M.Ed. is a Professional Certified Coach with a Masters in Educational Psychology specializing in Leadership. She helps leaders transform workplace conflict through coaching, mediation and training. This article is adapted from an ebook created by Judy Zehr and and Julia Menard. To learn more about Julia and her work, please check out her website juliamenard.com. And if you’re interested in communicating better and staying calm during conflicts be sure to check out Julia’s great ecourses on making tough conversations great and how to stay cool during conflict. Lastly, join other collaborative leaders receiving regular conflict guidance by signing-up for her newsletter here >>.

Contributing Author: Judy Zehr, MHRM, MA, is a licensed professional counselor with over twenty-five years of expertise and leadership in Emotional Brain Training, a program designed at UCSF to “rewire the brain” toward greater joy, balance and compassion. She more recently has obtained specialized certifications and training in Internal Family Systems and Grief and Trauma Therapy (including intergenerational trauma) as so many of the primary blocks to joy, presence and love are connected to our collective trauma and grief responses.  If you’d like to learn more or connect with Judy you can reach her at jzehr@me.com.  Please let her know that you were introduced to her work by Fierce Kindness.

If you liked this article, try:

• Use these 3 Brain States to Increase Calm & Be Your Best Self Under Stress also by Julia Menard & Judy Zehr
• Stay Kind for the Holidays—with a Self-Compassion Practice by Julia Menard
• How to Turn Your Stress into Personal Growth!

Are you a Paid Fierce Kindness Community Member?

• Get your Free .PDF printable here: Stress Signals: The Effects of Stress on Your Body Handout

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