Am I Too Nice For My Own Good? With 10 Signs to Help You Decide!

I’ve heard so many people ask, “Am I too nice?”. And all too often the answer is—Yes!

So, I thought a good place to start might be by ‘owning up’ and sharing my own personal ‘niceness’ issues.

Here are my Top Being “Too Nice” Habits

The big three I’m still working on are:

1. Learning not to take responsibility for other people’s feelings (my husband knows ALL about this one!).
2. Letting people know what I really think and feel, especially when someone makes a request of me (whether at home, with friends or in the workplace).
3. Not being “nice” and sacrificing my own needs for people I barely know. Perhaps I could take care of me instead!

So, How Does Being Too Nice Happen?

Well, if you’re reading this, the chances are you were raised to be a ‘good’ person: the important adults in your life (relatives, teachers and parents) taught you to behave and be considerate of others—and this is as it should be!

Children are naturally “self-focused”—it’s their job to survive. So adults teach us how to live in community with others. We learn that being in relationships means giving, as well as taking.

But sometimes it goes too far…

Sadly, children are often made to feel bad for needing more than our adults were capable of giving us. We get into trouble for wanting. We learn that being selfish is something to be ashamed of.

And, especially for children raised as girls, the balance often tips too far into being nice and giving. We learn to give, give, give—to be good, be nice, put others first—and to not take at all.

Then when we add in role modelling—where we see our moms and other women constantly sacrificing their own needs to care for others (whether partners, children, elderly relatives etc)—we learn this is how we should be too.

• Did your mother cook, serve everyone else at the table and sit down last—maybe even clearing up afterwards too?

And it’s not just women that are “too nice”…

It turns out that the pressure to “be nice” is less gender-specific than it used to be. These days many men have also got caught up believing they have to be the “perfect” husband, father and friend.

Being too Nice is Bad For Us!

When we don’t share what we really think and feel; when we don’t express our own needs, people are not seeing our real, authentic selves. Instead they see a polite ‘sanitised’ version of us.

And when our niceness means ignoring what we feel, putting others first and not asking for help when we need it, it’s detrimental to our happiness.

Being too nice drains the spontaneity and joy from our lives. Our days are busy, our minds are full—worrying about doing and saying the right (aka “nice”) thing. Being too nice gets in the way of building authentic relationships and limits our growth across all areas of life.

Consider how difficult it can be to:

• Say “No”
• Ask for a raise at work
• Make a legitimate complaint in a restaurant
• Tell our partner what we really need
• Ask for help or support

We’re stifled by being too considerate! We’re too nice!

And we end up settling for (and getting) less than we deserve.

But the cost is deeper than unspoken needs and the raises we didn’t ask for. Underneath sits a more damaging belief: Other people matter more than we do.

We’ve been taught to care more about what other people think of us than what we think of ourselves!

Often what gets in the way of being—and sharing—our true thoughts and feelings is worrying what people will think of us if we do.

The result is that we constantly override what we really think, need and feel on a regular basis. We constantly ignore and repress who we are—and this leads to unhappiness!

Here’s what our inner self learns from being regularly ignored:

• I am unimportant!

And in the longer term this can lead to depression, anger, resentment and even feelings of worthlessness and shame.

Be “Real” Rather than “Nice”

Instead of focusing on being nice, we need to focus on being real.

Being real—and true to ourselves—reduces inner conflicts and nudges us towards inner peace, freedom and happiness.

It allows us to have a deeper connection both to ourselves and others. It allows us to be whole.

And if we’re going to do this we have to make peace with an important truth:

It’s impossible to have a relationship with someone without occasionally upsetting them…

We must remember that we can’t be in relationship with someone without occasionally hurting or upsetting them. It’s simply not possible.

Two people cannot always be in alignment. Sometimes you will disagree. Sometimes one person gets what they want while the other does not.

But it shouldn’t be one-sided.

Sometimes the person who gets what they want should be YOU.

So, instead of being “nice” all the time, we should focus instead on being real. This means taking care of your needs, living your own values, even if—especially if—these are not in line with those around us.

Consider that if you’re constantly the one who backs down or sacrifices or says yes when you don’t want to, it’s bad for both people in the relationship. It’s bad:

1. For you—because you will get tired and resentful.
2. For the other person—because first, they get a grumpier you. And second, they don’t know the real you!

Am I Too Nice? How to Tell if the “Be Nice” Rule is Active

What often underpins a “being too nice” habit is the belief that there aren’t any other (suitable) options. We think we don’t have a choice—at least, not if we want to be seen as nice…

But there are a few signs you can watch for to see if you’re stuck being nice:

1. Does it feel rigid? Does it seem like you don’t have any other choice? (there are always options—we just might not feel comfortable with them!)
2. Do you feel obligated? That you must do this for some reason?
3. Do you feel resentful or “taken for granted” (but you haven’t said anything up until now)?
4. Is it a “should” where you feel bound by societal expectations?
5. Is it logical that you should (or shouldn’t) do something? Are other options illogical and therefore won’t get considered?

We always have the power of choice. And when we don’t feel that to be true, then we’re probably more worried about what our inner critic or other people think (and this means we’re caught in the “being nice” trap).

Here are 10 Signs that You’re Too Nice For Your Own Good

This list applies to all relationships—your partner/children/parents. But it also applies to other relatives, friends, work colleagues and fellow volunteers/group members—and acquaintances.

And as you read the list below, consider, which of these 10 signs of being “too nice” might apply to you:

1. Do you protect others from your thoughts and feelings? Is it essential to stay in control of your emotions? Do you not let people know what you really think and feel when they upset you, so they don’t have to experience a “not so nice” side of you?
2. Do you find it hard to say no to others, even when this means you put aside your own needs, dreams and desires?
3. Do you feel guilty when you do something just for yourself? Has focusing on others become such a habit that you feel guilt—or shame even—at the thought of taking care of you? Do you meet others’ needs at the expense of your own? Is it imperative that you are always acting in service of others?
4. Do you assume something is your job just because it makes logical sense (without factoring in your own needs).
   • For example, do you think something like, “I’m the best person to do this because I have the skills/because the other person is even busier than I am/because I’ll already be in the area etc.” even though you’re already maxed out or don’t want to do it?
5. Is being seen as “a nice person” a top priority for you? Do you worry about being considered “selfish”? Would you rather stifle yourself than share your needs or do what’s right for you?
6. You blame yourself (first) when there’s an issue in a relationship. Do you leap to assume a difficulty in a relationship is your fault or that you did something to cause it? Do you spend time looking back trying to figure out what you did wrong?
7. Do you work harder than the other person to fix issues in the relationship? Do you give more than you get, but don’t feel you can ask for more? And if you do recognize the other person isn’t “pulling their weight”, do you feel like you can’t—or shouldn’t—say anything or leave the relationship?
8. Do you feel responsible for how someone feels, especially when it’s someone close to you? Do you find you want to “fix” or “take care of” how they feel?
9. Do you try to do everything yourself because you don’t want to burden or bother anyone else. Is asking for help unusually difficult for you?
10. Do you habitually give in and find ways to justify doing what someone else wants—even when you’d rather do something else? Are someone else’s thoughts, opinions and feelings more important than yours?
    • Perhaps your friend is excited to see that new movie, and you say yes even though you just want to go home and have an early night. You might justify this by saying something like, “Well, I’ll still enjoy the movie, I’ll take a headache tablet, I don’t want to be a killjoy and she’s so looking forward to it…”

It’s Not Easy…

Learning to put ourselves first is not easy. And as we start being more real and less “nice” to others, we may find we get push back from our friends or family—especially if they’ve got used to us just going along with them.

They may even be upset with us. So sometimes it’s helpful to give people a heads up. You could try saying something like:

• “I’m going to be paying more attention to what I feel and need and what does and doesn’t work for me. This means I may not be as available as you’re used to. I still love you, and I hope that you can support me in this.”

And you never know. Some people may surprise you and even feel relieved or glad that you’re finally taking care of yourself (remember that when you focus too much on someone else, this can be experienced by the other person as controlling).

But if you don’t begin to take care of you, if you keep being nice—people will continue to expect more from you. Is this what you want?

Your First Step: Just Notice

The first step to any change is simply awareness. So a good way to start this process is to simply pay attention when you find yourself being too nice.

Grab your journal (or ask yourself in the moment): Does this response or choice feel good?

1. If your response or choice genuinely feels good—great! You can stop here.
2. But if your response or choice doesn’t feel good, simply consider doing (or asking for) what you really want.
   • You don’t have to speak up, you just need to consider it.
   • If you manage to consider what you really want, great!
     • Maybe you’ll try doing (or saying) what you really want another time.
     • And if you’re fired up to act? Go for it! Speak your truth.
   • And if you can’t even consider doing (or asking for) what you really want, ask yourself (without judgement) “Why not?”
     • It’s all information. Just notice your reasons.

So that’s it: begin to let go of the niceness habit simply by noticing when you’re doing it. And over time, you may just notice your reasoning, your courage, your own desires begin to shift…

And a final tip: If you find yourself asking, “Am I being too nice?”, you probably are…

Are you ready to empower yourself?

Wrap-up

Fierce Kindness is about helping people clear a path for joy and inner peace. And a big part of that involves being our true or authentic selves.

We’re all looking for more happiness and inner peace. But this doesn’t come from holding back—or holding ourselves in. Instead it arises from being real: who we really are. And while this is scary, it’s also FREEING. When we say what we really think, need and mean—a weight lifts from our shoulders.

For many of us, being nice has become a habit. And this is great when we’re also taking care of ourselves! But when we constantly and habitually put others first at our own expense we’re abandoning ourselves.

It’s usually about fear: fear of what people might think when we’re not “nice”. Fear of what our critic will say to us. Fear of the shame and guilt that pops up when we’re not nice…

But ironically, when we stop being nice and learn to truly take care of ourselves—we have more to give to others and our world.

Remember: if we don’t take care of our needs, someone else often pays the price—caretaking us when we get sick or dealing with our tears, outbursts and resentment. So it’s never selfish to take responsibility for yourself—because it means that others don’t have to.

And then… once we get over the fear, something shifts: being real is exciting, empowering, daring even! And it’s not just kinder to you—it’s the beginning of a freer and more joyful life.

If you’re wondering: Am I too nice? You may also like these articles:

• The Free PDF Worksheet 7 Types of Boundaries: Which Need Your Attention?
• Character: When it Comes Down to it – Who Are You?
• The 3 As: How to be a Compassionate Presence for Yourself during Difficult Times

Change the world. Start with you!

Note: This article was originally inspired by the Too Good For Her Own Good Book (link is to Bookshop.org) by Claudia Bepko and Jo-Ann Krestan.